I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a Self-Improving Spiritual Tree Hugger

Not much changed----the family is still nuts, DH is still recovering, and I'm still trying to figure out what to do next.

Looking for work has been......interesting. Had a couple interviews but nothing panned out. It's ok but tiring. Many people are in my position.

This morning is an interview for grad school, hopefully we'll get the paperwork in time for me to register this term.

Things are still interesting here. Rather than elaborating on how life sucks, since most anyone who reads this will know that already...I'm indulging myself in a fit of nostalgia

One of my most favorite fairy-type tales of all time is Labyrinth. It brings back some of the very few happy memories I have from my childhood. So, I'm sitting here watching it, drinking a bellini, and eating fritos. (I'm all OUT of chocolate)It's lovely to just sit and be still for a minute, without feeling guilty for taking time for me.

The other day I went to the book store ALONE, bought a book I've been wanting and then went to the pretzel store and ate a pretzel all by myself! It felt wonderful to just poke around the book store and eat my pretel in peace.

So I almost started crying in the grocery store today. I am anemic all the time and can recognize the signs of when it's getting worse. I need to eat more meat when that happens since the one iron suppliment I can take is too expensive and I need to save what I have for when I get worse later this summer. (Can't get a job if you look sick, ya know) We just really can't afford meat, it's too expensive.

So, I feel horribly guilty b/c I had to spend $$$ on meat, *for me* and that's going to hurt us later in the month b/c of how much I had to spend. It's just going to get worse from here, the cost of everything keeps going up and the paycheck keeps getting smaller.

Our application for residency was denied b'c of poor credit. We have no where else to go. As of tomorrow we are homeless. I fucking quit.

Long time no posting....as usual. Seems I have a life off the internet afterall.

Anyway....To the people who prey on the poor and desperate:
Get over yourself. Not all poor people are stupid and desperation is NOT an excuse for unethical behavior. The actions I witnessed today will be checked with the appropriate authorities and letters will be written to inform others of your actions. Information is power, and the more people who are informed of your little ploy, the better.

Signed,
The Poor Family You ALMOST Got......

Any idea how one faces impending homelessness with grace? I'm having a very difficult time with this right now.

Been a crazy few months around here, with the accident and all.

Got a "Holiday surprise" that is not quite a surprise, just damn inconvenient.

Need to find a place to live ASAP.

FOUR more months to graduation!!!

Really, things have been rather crappy lately. I have some wonderful friends who are helping me deal with the crap while keeping my focus. That is a truly wonderful realization for the new year.

So, does anyone know any place that would rent/sell to low income people with poor credit?

Only four more days of break and still so much to do.

Off for a post-op appointment with the hand surgeon......have a great day!

I'm all about procrastination at the moment. Got mucho work done then had a slight emergency. And this is how I blow off steam:

Link: The Which Spice Are You Test written by jodiesattva on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

I cannot focus. At all.

It would help if people stopped sitting down to "chat" when I'm trying to work. "I'm sorry" after inturrupting me DOES NOT help matters any. When I TELL you that I am having difficulty focusing due to all the BS happening right now, and you then CHOOSE to inturrupt my ANNOUNCED IN ADVANCE work time, you then deserve whatever comes out of my mouth in your direction. I am not sitting here cussing at my screen for FUN people! I am here because I have stuff to do and I am trying to get it done.

Geez......

Yet another day of NOTHING accomplished thanks to the peanut gallery.

Tomorrow J has another surgery, FUN TIME!

I've been awake continuously for the past twenty hours. I actually got to sleep about 6 hours since Friday morning. Saturday, the 'rents both went down for naps because they were "so exhausted" after being awake for TWO WHOLE HOURS. By their "nap time" I had been up and running around for 10 hours. I actually cannot go to sleep now, because I will not hear the alarm for Joe's next infusion, which must be prepped at 5:30 am and delivered at 6. The kids get up no later than 7am, I have to be to the bank by 9, caseworker is coming at 10, the nurse comes at 2pm, the 'rents should get up sometime between 2-3 pm, I have to pay the cell phone bill, cook supper, pack the diaper bag for Tues, clean the den (where all the crap from the van and the kids' stuff is at the moment) and IF I can find the time before I pass out from exhaustion (after the above list is completed with the addition of helping Joe shower, handling 2 medication times and three infusions), I have to do some homework. Actually, the homework is not optional, I HAVE to get this reading done and the minutes should have been typed up Friday but I've been so busy putting out fires.

We all have a point of collapse and I passed mine a couple weeks ago. I just need to keep the strength to get through this. Right now, I am aiming for PASSING. I don't care about the grades, I just have to PASS the damn classes. But I think that even passing may be asking too much.

Because my life is falling apart.

I somehow overdrew my "U" account, meaning that I had to do an emergency transfer from the regular account to prevent issues with the U. I guess in the chaos of the last 2 weeks, I forgot about something so aside from the purchase I forgot about, there was a $30 fee added.

Have I mentioned that while we are getting a steady check, it's 80% of the crap we were getting before AND we have to pay CS ourselves?

THEN I TOTALLY bombed my LSATS, as in, my score was less than 160. Now I have 2 midterms to make up that I am not at all prepared for, I am 3 weeks behind in all my other class work, I have to make it all up somehow and figure out how to make up time at my field placement.

The kids are coming home this weekend I think, the hospital can't find out J's infection and he keeps getting high fevers even after 5 days of IV abx, I'm getting sick, J's blood levels aren't stabilizing, nobody knows why, I don't know how we're going to pay for groceries, or gas, or anything from here out. And to top it all off Flo came 2.5 weeks early and with a vengance I have not seen since I was 12, with the wonderous cramping that starts in front and radiates around.

I'm holding on by a thread here, and that thread is about to break. Wish me luck b/c I can't be upset, I have to hold it together for everyone.

How long can one go without sleep? I suppose we'll see....
\
DA is still in the ICU, no word on how long before he's moved. Some of his injures appear to be healing and others are being monitored closely. He doing very well, all things considered.

I'm close to a train wreck. But I'll deal, I have no choice.

Today I called DA's phone on my way home for a progress check only to hear, "Hello, is this Mrs. DA? We have a Mr. DA and we are en route to Major Research Hospital because we tried to take him to Podunk General but they wouldn't take him." At which point I calmly told the nice EMT to please call my home and tell the people there to NOT LEAVE while I fetched my kids from daycare and then made my way all the way back to MRH. (I work literally a few minutes from said hospital but the journey to DC and Home and back took a couple hours.)

When I get to the hospital, I get a call from the Social Worker stating "Where are you?" and she and the Dr meet me at the door and take me to a private "consultation room" where she tells me that DA has some serious internal bleeding and they need permission to treat and give blood. They then allow me and the soon to arrive support tribe to stay in the private waiting room until the SW comes back and tells me that DA will be moved to ICU and takes me to the waiting room in ICU. Where we proceed to wait....and wait....and wait.

We are very lucky, it does not appear that the injuries are as bad as they could have been. DA was EXTREMELY lucky. I have made all the appropriate contacts, including DA's ex and his family (or as much as I could contact.)I'm still in the ICU waiting room, with little news and no sleep in over 24 hours. I'll try to update as we get news but it'll be general.

If you need to contact me, I can be reached on my phones, if you don't have the number email me and I'll try to check. (Internet access in the waiting room). Either way, any type of prayers or healing thoughts would be greatly welcomed. As you all know, DA's income, crappy as it is, is our only real source of income at the moment. We are slightly screwed. But it looks like he will probably be ok.

This has officially been a shitty ass week and it can STOP RIGHT NOW.

I have officially been eaten by school and work. It had to happen some day: my load actually became big enough to necessitate much actual TIME to accomplish.

It could be worse, I could hate what I'm doing. Actually, I love it. I love the fact that I get to do some indepth study of issues that are vitally important to me. I love the fact that my instructors no longer require an "original" topic, just one that has information available and interests me. I love the fact that I get to see the inner workings of some of the systems we all know suck and indeed get the personal experience of actually *watching* them suck. I love the fact that, as I glance through yet another journal article, this work will make a positive impact in someone's life. I love the fact that people are getting excited about my "really big project" and sustainability may not be a dream afterall.

All this love of my work and studies helps to balance the fact that outside of school and work, my life totally sucks. I spent my gas money for the week on groceries because it's been so long since we've had real food in the house (ie: meat not from can, meals not from box) that I was actually drooling over the thought of beef. We are all freaking out about mom's health and being the passive-aggressive wonders that we are, NOBODY will admit it. I routinely cry on the way home from work because that is the only safe place I have to vent the stress. My cycles are way off due to the stress, meaning I now get TWO cycles per month instead of one. (It could be worse but still.......)

I am so lucky in so many ways but it really seems like I jump from one crisis to another without so much as time to BREATHE. I am terrified of what the doctors will say about mom, I am terrified that this year will be too much for us all and I am terrified about what will happen if I do fail. I have never finished anything in my life and I can see some of the same patterns beginning to emerge again. (Seeing means that I can also STOP them before they get too far along but that means more work for me). It's not like I can really ask for family support right now, that will really make me the selfish bitch of the year. So, I muddle through as best I can and hope that I can nip all the self-destructive BS in the bud so that we can throw one kick ass "I did it!" party next year.

8 months seems so far away.

This is the beginning of the crazy time, AKA: the school year. There is a ton on my plate this year so we'll see how well I can keep up.(Written 2 weeks ago)

Update: Keep up has taken on a new meaning. Who knew that the last year before graduation would literally be an ass-kicker? It is taking everything I have to just manage my coursework, let alone everything else. I am 2 weeks behind schedule for my program, I am not behind in the classwork...YET, I spend around 20+hours per week on school-realted stuff out of the classroom.

So....chances are good that nobody will hear from me. If you need me, call.

Alrighty I'm losing my mind. The stress is getting to me and I cannot deal with anything anymore. I need to get outta here for a bit and that's not happening right now. I can't drive my car b/c the brakes on the care are pretty much gone and I am teh broke.

I am literally holding on by a thread. I can't call out on my phone right now and have no clue how long I'll be able to receive calls. Everything is just a mess.

alrighty.....a week or so ago mom's dr told her that he was referring her to the transplant team at the local big name U. she had the initial testing this past week and the intake office called her the next day. as soon as we get the ins issue straightened out, she will be discussing major surgery with the team.

in a nutshell: without the surgery she *will* die sooner rather than later. there is nothing more her current team can do for her.

at this point i am barely hanging on and i need every ounce of whatever i have to get through the next year. if y'all don't hear from me, that's why. my plate had gone from being overfull to being buried under a huge pile of crap. my life has officially become all about what I can do to get through this. if that makes me a selfish person, so be it. there is nobody to get me through this but me. so if it takes me being selfish, then i will be selfish.

I was going to post this elsewhere, but I know it will fall on deaf ears there so I am putting it here instead.

It's good to know that some people have that option, to care about buying organic, fair trade food while poor. Not everyone does. I flat out *refuse* to allow my children to go hungry b/c I can only afford the mac n cheese or ramen for them to eat. Principles be damned, there are enough times when we go hungry for me to EVER deny my children food. We eat mainly from the food pantries though, and occasionally we can get some dented organic something. Usually we are just grateful for the food: hot dogs, pop tarts and all.

I envy those who are capable of choosing organic, I do not have that luxury. Often I don't have the luxury of fresh at all. (and please no comments on how cheap beans/rice are, we get them free but I work 3-4 PT jobs, got to school FT, my DH works FT, and we live with my parents to help care for me terminally ill, facing a lung transplant mother and *I just don't have time to cook from scratch very often* I do the best I can with what I have.)

Sorry if I sound a little sensitive, I am. I work my tail off each and every day and we cannot keep a roof over our head or food on the table. It is a shaming experience, every single time I beg for food for my children, I am reminded how *inferior* I am. As I sit and listen to my professors preach about how you can't be poor and in college while trying not to pass out from hunger, I am reminded how I am *not good enough*. When I hear people "tsk" at me as I tell my son we cannot afford eggs or milk this week while walking through the store with some ramen or mac n cheese or soup, I am reminded how many people believe that I shouldn't have kids. And some day, when we are not poor, and can afford healthy food, I will remember then too. I will remember being too poor to afford fresh food, and act with compassion to those I encounter. I will remember going hungry so that I children could eat, and I will donate to my local food bank and soup kitchen. I will remember that people decided I was *less than* some how and work to build another up, so that they do not feel shame. Most of all, I will remember what it's like to not have a choice, and show compassion to others in the same position.